Lipstick is your mouth's shirt

Thursday, February 20, 2014

I don't know how people run beauty blogs, which is probably why I don't have one.  It's exhausting to smear makeup all over your face and arms and then write about it.  It's also kind of stupid.  So let me do that right now.

I'm one of those people that become oddly obsessed with something for approximately 7-14 days, then all of a sudden I lose that intense interest and start staring at walls and trees again.  Recently, there was an approximate 10-day obsession with lipstick.  I am not new to lipstick, nor have I never purchased lipstick before, but there was a surge in lipstick popularity inside my head and I could do nothing about it!

NOTHING.  Well I guess I could have said "do I really need several tubes of pigments, oils, waxes and emollients that apply colour, texture and sometimes protection to the lips (www.wikipedia.org)?  No I do not - this simple mislabelled tube of Aquafina lip balm from the Dollarama on Spadina will do just fine!  Even if the tube is labelled as something to do with berries, and upon further investigation it was DEFINITELY peppermint scented, which is really a shocking surprise when you are expecting soothing berries."

I was looking on the internet website one day, when a couple of pages urgently stated that orange lipcolor was IN for 2014.  "What do I do with this information?" I thought.  Cricket noise.

So off I went to MAC, where I put one particular orange shade on my face, and we all agreed that I looked like something pretty undesirable (Lady Danger I am not), however we found an alternate shade called "Dangerous" that made me look ALRIGHT, so it was a winner!  Here's a picture of that exact tube of lipstick!

Check that out!!!
When I put it on, I became an extremely dangerous individual.  I'm typing this with a pistol under my arm.  

Here's a picture of the orange lipstick on my face:


I cropped out almost my entire face, as I had no makeup on.  Except orange lipstick.  Please also note how the lipstick wasn't even applied uniformly, and note the large chip in my tooth.


BEAUTY BLOGS



Review of MAC's Dangerous: cool colour, super drying, super KEWL

Oh yeah so after that, I went on an intense lipstick shopping spree and bought around 10 more lipsticks.  I then smeared them on my mouth over and over and documented each occurrence.  After that, I rubbed each one on my arm, which also seems to be common practice on beauty blogs.  I inserted them into an app on my phone and labelled them with their respective names, which also seems to be common practice on beauty blogs. 

Here are the results of this brief episode:


Sometimes I colour inside the lines
Sometimes I don't
-Me



Front views are important, in case you forget to colour the other side of your mouth.

Arm swatches are important.  The one on the left has no flash.  The one on the right has flash.  The one on the right-right is flash.  Oh no the picture just ended there.

The rundown:

Crush
Brand: Sephora Collection (Rouge Cream)
Drying: sort of
Lasting power: decent
Do I look cool factor: present
Price: I forget

Embrace
Brand: Cover Girl (LipPerfection)
Drying: no! lol
Lasting power: depends if you ever drink or eat...if you don't, you're good to go
Do I look cool factor: present
Price: is it on sale?  It's usually $11.99.

Envoutante
Brand: Chanel (Rouge Allure Intense Long-Wear)
Drying: nooo
Lasting power: really good
Do I look cool factor: yes, it's Chanel...therefore?
Price: Like $40...but I mean, the word 'Chanel' is carved into the lipstick.  What more do you need?

Divine
Brand: Cover Girl (LipPerfection)
Drying: NO
Lasting power: no, it's like Embrace.  They are the same.  They are the same brand. 
Do I look cool factor: pretty good
Price: I mean, it's the same as Embrace

Heroine
Brand: MAC
Drying: no
Lasting power: super good man
Do I look cool factor: I mean it's purple.  And it's Heroine.
Price: I dunno $20 or something

La Diva
Brand: Chanel (Rouge Allure Velvet intense long-wear lip color/limited edition)
Drying: no
Lasting power: yes
Do I look cool factor: if you have a tan or aren't white, yes
Price: some sort of $40 something

Fuchsia Flash Matte 
Brand: Smashbox (Be Legendary)
Drying: a bit, can flake
Lasting power: very good
Do I look cool factor: IT'S MAGENTA IT'S ALWAYS KEWL
Price: I forget, like $30, look it up man

Velvety Fuchsia
Brand: L'Oreal (Colour Caresse)
Drying: no
Lasting power: mediocre
Do I look cool factor: I'm tired
Price: I don't know leave me alone

Yu
Brand: ugh!! Nars (Satin Lip Pencil)
Drying: no!  It actually goes on very smoothly!
Lasting power: really good!
Do I look cool factor: yes you do!!
Price!: $30

Beauty blogs are tiring!!!!  Stop this!

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