Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Sometimes I go through phases of eating things that aren't McDonald's, so recently I delved into the super kewl world of KEEENWAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!   I mean quinoa.  It sounds incredibly obnoxious and I'm one of those people that thought it was pronounced 'ki-no-a' for a very long time.  It was a dark period in my life, but I got through it.

Before eating something that sounds as obnoxious as quinoa, I did a half-arsed research job to see what the fuss was about.  Basically, it's a seed that lacks gluten and is high in protein.  So really, when you eat quinoa, you are basically just a big silly bird.  If you're comfortable enough in your own skin to be a big silly bird sometimes, then I encourage you to try quinoa.

In order to try quinoa, you have to put it in your mouth and then swallow it.  This requires something called 'cooking'.  What is this 'cooking' I speak of?  It's the process of throwing bits of food onto warm surfaces and then hoping the mixture comes out tasting better than how your feet smell after a long day of wearing shoes made of some strange synthetic material.

I wanted to try this, so I researched some recipes.  I found some on a blog I can't remember, so I can't even use it as a source here.  But really, that blog just used links from other blogs.  So that blog can't get mad at this blog!  No bloguments to be had here! A blogument is an argument between blogs.  It usually involves the blogs throwing tags at eachother (ie. "poo" or "knife").

Anyway, below are some of the recipes I found that didn't look horrendously complicated.

Recipe #1 -Quinoa Breakfast Bowl
Source: Bona Food.

This is mostly just throwing things together into a serving device, but if you follow the instructions carefully you should be fine.  Unless you accidentally throw in a piece of glass or you lose a tooth in it, then I'm sorry.

-blackberries (or blueberries - whichever box is on sale at Loblaws)
-almonds (the chopped up ones)
-sunflower seeds (I skipped these because I was getting cheap)
-yoghurt (I got a vanilla flavoured tub, because the first time I tried using plain greek yoghurt and almost projectile vomited)
-quinoa (duh)
-mint (I skipped this part because I didn't know where it was in the store)
-honey (I skipped this part because I could only find honey with 800% sugar)

That's it.  The quinoa takes about 15 minutes to cook.  I use PC brand quinoa because it's prewashed, and I read horror stories online about people buying quinoa that wasn't pre-washed and then they had explosive diarrhea.  Apparently the saponins do it.  President's Choice assured me theirs is pre-rinsed, and so far I have not had any horrible issues afterwards.  Sounds pleasant!

Recipe #2 - Tater Less Tots
Source: Mouth Watering Foods.

Source: The Smart Cookie Blog

This one requires a bit more skill in order to complete.  My first attempt was horrifically messy, but tasted delicious.

-1 can of chick peas (I rinse them to get rid of the saltiness), drained
-120 g of chopped up cauliflower
-1 cup cooked quinoa
-1/4 cup ground flax
-1/2 tsp salt
-1/2 cup finely minced shallot (I skipped this because I don't know what it is)
-1/4 whole weat flour (I got gluten free because I was feeling righteous during my shopping trip)

You take a big bowl, and mash up the chickpeas. I found this very difficult, but realised the importance of mashing them up later on.  Once mashed, you add the remaining ingredients and mush them all together.  As it says on this person's blog, the mixture probably won't hold together very well.  She was right, but I did notice that the smaller you formed the tots, the better they stayed together.  Also, this is where mushing up the chickpeas properly comes into play.  Alot of mine were still whole, and would just push apart the whole concoction.

Anyway after that, you toss them onto a frying pan and fry 'em up until they are golden brown.  They taste good.

Recipe #3 - Veggie Fried Quinoa
Source: Nosh and Nourish.

Nosh and Nourish

This one is super easy and fast, so if you are absolutely lazy then I recommend it for nights you are watching something super awesome on TV.

-1 cup of cooked quinoa
-2 eggs
-1 carrot (I throw in baby frozen carrots because lazy)
-1/2 cup peas
-1/2 cup water chestnuts (I skipped this because I forgot to buy them)
-2 tablespoons soy sauce
-2 tablespoons Polynesian sauce (I skipped this because what)

All you have to do is cook the quinoa, and scramble the egg and smash it into small chunks in a separate frying pan.  Then you throw on the peas and carrots, then the quinoa, then throw the sauce on top and poke it all until your internal timer goes ding ding ding and then you eat!  WHOA.

Recipe #4 - Broccoli Quinoa Quesedillas
Source: Oh My Veggies

Oh My Veggies

Here is another easy one, and it's good for times when you need to disguise what you are feeding another person.  "Oh look what I made!" You can say.  When they ask what, you can respond by pretending to pick your nose and then flick the invisible booger at them.  If being extremely immature is not your thing, you can tell them you made quesedillas but omit the fact they have KEENNNWAAA in them.

-1/4 cup quinoa cooked in vegetable broth (I skipped the vegetable broth because lazy)
-1/3 cup frozen broccoli, chopped up into itty bitty bits
-1 cup sharp cheddar cheese
-whole wheat tortillas
-2 tsp olive oil

Alls you gotta do is cook the quinoa and then add it into the bowl with the broccoli (which is no longer frozen, I would hope) and the cheese.  Mix 'em up.  Then you toss some of the mixture onto one half of an open tortilla, fold the other half over, then put it on the frying pan and fry until both sides are a lovely golden brown and it's nice and crispy.  Then you cut it in half and eat it. Done!

Those are the only four quinoa recipes I have tried, and the only four I care to bother trying right now because on other nights I enjoy eating hamburgers.  Quinoa can taste a bit boring, but I have really bland taste so it's great for people like me.

I would like to thank you for taking the time to go on this quinoa journey with me, and I hope you have sweet dreams tonight. Last night I dreamt a strange dream about the Russian government, after watching the film "Devil's Pass" which features five American students who go to the Dyatlov Pass to try and figure out just WHAT happened to those skiiers.

My Thoughts on the Polar Vortex

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Oh I'm sorry, I can't write any because my keyboard is actually a slab of ice I found outside while foraging for sustenance.  I thought I was a wannabe-blogger for a second, but I'm actually just a frozen tree.

In fact a man sat by me once, and told me he'd heard of a time called 'spring'.  Now that I think about it, I'm not sure if he was referring to a time where you can go outside without screaming, or the contents of his mattress.

Before I was a frozen tree, I think I was a human...but those times are gone, forgotten with the winds of change on a fine summer's evening that seems to have never really existed....


#tbt - 2005 before my trunk was encapsulated with a 3-inch thick layer of pure ice.  My hair looks the same.

Sometimes when the temperature raises above -22 prior to windchill, I pull out my journal and write poems on what I think summer is/what I imagine it's like if it exists.

Here's one I wrote a couple years ago, don't judge me ok.  It is a Haiku I have entitled "   ".

Summer are you there?
Were you real?  What even is?
I want to punch you.

Thanks, QOTSA's Facebook Page

Monday, March 10, 2014

For posting this picture just now.

I can now carry on about my day.

A sleep study made me miss the season premiere of Big Brother Canada

Thursday, March 6, 2014

This is an epic loss I'm not sure I will ever recover from.  How do I know if this year the house-guests were ALL allowed in the house at the same time?  How will I know if I missed the first spark of an authentic new romance?  How will I know who got one of the sad twin beds, instead of a reasonably sized double bed?  I missed all this because I had to get ...

a sleep study.

I thought that it would involve walking into a luxurious, modern room where a nurse would plug a couple of electrodes onto your temples, then allow you to play Candy Crush Saga until you fell asleep.  This was not the case!  What happened can only be described as the stuff of nightmares...the stuff of legend...the stuff of neither of those, I'm bored and trying to make a post on sleep studies sound remotely exciting (mission failed after the first sentence).

Here's what really happened.  I arrived at the selected location at 8:30pm EST.  I got a bit confused thinking I was on the wrong side of University Ave., since the address said the place was on Dundas West.  Did a big sigh and prepared to cross to the west side of University.  Remembered Dundas is Dundas West on the West side of Yonge.  Felt dumb.  Wandered up to building and hammered on the glass so the security guard would let me in.  Was told to stand in another lobby with a concerned-looking woman.  Nurse came down and retrieved the both of us.

Wow, this is boring.  

Getting to the point: the nurse asked what time I wanted to go to bed, and the answer was really "ASAP" so I could get closer to wake-up time and getting out of there...but I said 10:00-10:30pm.  I sat in a chair playing Candy Crush Saga from 8:45-10:00pm (the first 15 minutes was reserved for filling out fun questionnaires).   By the way, I did not pass level 267.  Nor did I pass level 67 of the Dreamworld.  Was I angry?  No.  Did I want to throw my phone across the room onto the depressing-looking bed?  Yes.  Did I inspect the bed for bedbugs?  Yes.  Did I still imagine it had bedbugs all night, which probably accounted for my three hours of sleep?  Yes.  Do I have any bites today?  No.   

The nurse (I don't think she's a 'nurse', I just don't know what to call her.  Sleep-technician?  Maybe she is a nurse?  She was nice.) then started attaching electrodes to me.  You get a few on your face, a couple behind your ears, several on your head, two on your legs, one on your arm, a few on your neck, two belts around your chest and ribs, and an oxygen nose-thinger shoved into your nostrils then tightened so you feel like choking.  And an electrode on your butt.

Just kidding!  Only two, one on each cheek.  

Just kidding!

These are all secured with some sort of jelly substance and alot of tape, which does not feel the best when being removed from your sensitive morning face and from your scalp/hair.  Also, when you wake up, your hair is dried in the shape of whatever the jelly did overnight, and it looks like you melted candle wax in your hair.  Luckily you should leave the place around 6:00am when it's still dark outside, and nobody is around to question your wax-hair.

Anyway, before the test they ask you move your eyes all around, pretend to snore, cough, heave, twerk, fill out a crossword, and they do all this over an intercom then tell you to go to bed.  Then you sleep.  

The end.

Oh wait, they wake you up in the morning and say you can leave.  There are shower facilities but I recommend hightailing it out of there and going home!  There's something strange about sleeping in a random office building with four other strangers (separate rooms) and knowing people are listening to your stomach gurgling all night.  Recommendation - eat before you go.

Here is what I looked like before the sleep study:

"What if I can't fall asleep?  He thought.  If a sleep study is done on someone who doesn't sleep, was the sleep study ever really done at all?"

This is what I looked like after:

"I feel refreshed, rejuvenated, and I'm certain that my problem of choking loudly in my sleep will be solved with the resolution of this study."

Sleep studies can help diagnose:
  • Sleep-related breathing disorders, such as sleep apnea (sleep apnea: the new Gluten-intolerance)
  • Sleep-related seizure disorders
  • Sleep-related movement disorders, such as periodic limb movement disorder
  • Sleep disorders that cause extreme daytime tiredness, such as narcolepsy
  • Sleep disorders such as picking your nose and eating it 
Source: the first Google result that popped up

I'm not sure where that last point came from?  

Did you know sleep apnea can be caused by a hormonal imbalance?  Did you know oily skin can be caused by too much DHT?  Did you know DHT can cause thinning hair in both men and women? Did you know you can naturally block DHT with Saw Palmetto?  Why am I talking about DHT?  What does DHT even stand for?  Dry Heaving Tonsillitis? OH GOD INTERNET OVERLOAD ATTACK

Proudly designed by Mlekoshi pixel perfect web designs